62 Things to Do After Sex: A Practical Guide For Any Situation
1 - Go home.
2 - Call her a cab.
3 - Apologize. And explain how you almost never "finish" that quickly.
4 - Unlock the men's room door and get back to your desk.
5 - Pay the lady.
6 - Try to locate Maui on the map of Hawaii you just left on her stomach.
7 - Roll over and go to sleep.
8 - Take a shower.
9 - Compliment her on her dancing skills as she leaves for the main stage.
10 - Spoon.
11 - Ask her her name.
12 - Turn the video camera off.
13 - Make yourself a sandwich.
14 - Tell her to make you a sandwich.
15 - Two words: Sports. Center.
16 - Tip Mai Ling the extra $25.
17 - Change the sheets.
18 - Put the whip back in the freezer.
19 - Clean up the condom wrappers.
20 - Hang up the phone and put your credit card back in your wallet.
21 - Check for sores.
22 - Ask the waiter for the check.
23 - Take off the wig and fishnets.
24 - Return to your seats and pretend to enjoy the in-flight movie.
25 - Remove the beads from your ass.
26 - Remove the beads from her ass.
27 - Put another log on the fire.
28 - Pee.
29 - Ask if they are in the same sorority.
30 - Bask in the afterglow.
31 - Act like you're actually putting her number in your phone.
32 - Try hard not to look so surprised you actually had sex with a woman.
33 - Engage in some obligatory pillow talk.
34 - Sneak her back to the reception to before the other bridesmaids miss her.
35 - Climb out the window before her father comes home.
36 - Climb out the window before her husband comes home.
37 - Reload for round two.
38 - Put the sock in the hamper.
39 - Tip the washroom attendant for not seeing/hearing anything.
40 - Remove your ball gag and release The Gimp.
41 - Defog the windshield so you can drive her home.
42 - Let the dog back in the room.
43 - Turn off Cinemax and go to sleep.
44 - Get her a towel.
45 - Take the rubber bands off your wrist and let the blood flow back into your hand.
46 - Uncuff her.
47 - Beg her to uncuff you.
48 - Chew your arm off to get away without waking her up.
49 - Tell the cabdriver he can turn the rearview mirror back to where it belongs.
50 - Deflate your girlfriend and put her back under the bed.
51 - Try not to laugh when she tells you she's "never done anything like that before."
52 - Wipe off the clown makeup.
53 - Hold her. That's right. Hold. Her.
54 - Turn off the Barry White/Marvin Gaye/Righteous Brothers/Sting mix.
55 - Blow out the candles.
56 - Shut down the hot tub jets and grab a towel.
57 - Try to convince yourself you didn't see an Adam's Apple.
58 - Put the cap back on the lube.
59 - Fluff up the coat pile and get back to the party.
60 - Tell Paris it's ok to turn her cell phone back on.
61 - Drop the keys at the front desk.
62 - Log off and wipe down your keyboard.
