Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess with long, blonde hair and a stunning personality who lived in a run-down shack in South Wales; the Country of Eternal Rain.
The princess lived a life of loneliness and misery, until one day she decided to play a game with her magic mirror. The game took up 25GB of memory with three expansion packs installed (which almost doesn't seem worth it when you look at the standard of graphics), and was an immersive and highly addictive world in which she could escape her unhappy life. It was in this alternate universe she met her Prince Charming; a handsome and dashing man four years her senior, who ruled a far-off land with an iron fist.
How she longed to sit at his side as his queen! Unfortunately, the Credit Crunch had sapped almost all economic resources from both Royal Treasuries, and so a flight by normal means was impossible to fund. How she wept! How she wailed! How she longed to beat her poor mother over the head with a toaster!
It was at this point a beautiful and noble Countess of far-away Italia appeared in her mirror.
"Liek omg!" she exclaimed, flicking her flame-coloured locks "That so ttly sux! I'ma send you some winged messengers to help you out, kay? BUT U LIEK TTLY OWE ME."
And so a heavenly host of angels appeared to her and whisked her on a journey across the ocean and dropped her at the foot of her beloved's palace.
"But wait!" she implored "What about my kitty cat?!" At which the angels groaned and sent one of their own back to fetch the feline (whose name was Jumbo Battered Sausage Thunderbird). The angel, a red-head by the name of Uriel, was glomped immediately upon return.
"I like you!" squealed the Princess, "I think I'll keep you for my own personal guardian!"
"Go ahead," answered the Countess, appearing out of nowhere munching on a tofu turkey drumstick, "He's kind of boring anyway."
~~And they all lived happily ever after~~
